I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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