Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
