I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
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??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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