We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
