what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
