Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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