I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Randomize
