After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
