I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Just high enough for therapy.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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