If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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