I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
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