I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
