True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
