You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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