I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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