tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
