i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
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