first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
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