your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
