hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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