Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
