She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
