haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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