Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
