guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize