i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Randomize
