Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
