I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
