It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
We have started to decorate penises.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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