If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
