a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
