angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
