I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
