Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I woke up under a house in Key West
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize