I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
