i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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