i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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