He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
