i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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