I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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