The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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