My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
