i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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