I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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