Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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