I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I enjoy the company of your penis
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
