man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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