Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I still have a little drunk in my system
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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