I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize
