It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
