..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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