god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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