I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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