Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
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