How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
