Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
organizing the empties. That sober.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
